There is often some confusion about the relationship between the third precept, abstaining from sexual misconduct, and the long course requirements. The discussion below is offered to help clarify.
Is it a breakage of sīla to have a consented physically intimate interaction with someone if not in a committed relationship?
No. It is important that we understand what the five precepts are and the commitment to them in this tradition.
The five precepts, as Goenkaji mentions, are the foundation of our practice of a spiritual life. In this sense they are a support on which to develop our practice. They are not an end in themselves.
Taking up the training to avoid harm and killing, avoid stealing or taking what is not given, avoid sexual misconduct, avoid speaking lies, and avoid taking intoxicants helps align our physical and verbal actions with the path we are walking.
When we align our lives to intentionally avoid behaviors that hurt and harm both others and ourselves, conditions are set up that support the mind to calm down. Actions that harm cause great agitation, which makes it impossible to develop a spiritual life at any real depth. For ideal conditions, where the purification of habitual patterns can be taken earnestly, the mind needs to be composed and free from the gross agitation that keeps it spinning. The five precepts are the foundation for calming the mind.
Another important thing a meditator starts to realize is that actions that harm others agitate the mind. If these actions are hidden, a sense of remorse, worry, and even guilt arises. We see this all the time on courses. Something a student has done in the past, or is doing now, even during the course, surfaces and becomes so sticky that they cannot work. Eventually, the student will go to the teacher to admit their mistake and come out of the deception. This is a blow to the deceptive ego, and it allows their work to progress. The ego, left on its own, will just continue to create deeper justifications, deceptions and imaginations, further hardening the mind. In Vipassana the mind has to open, expand and soften. This is necessary to observe subtle reality as it is.
Sīla, then, is a first step to align our life with our spiritual aspirations.
What though is sexual misconduct? There is a lot of nuance here, so it is important to understand.
In short, sexual misconduct is any sexualized behavior that harms another or oneself. Non-consensual behavior obviously falls into this. So does a situation where one of the people involved is in a committed monogamous relationship with someone else, or where one of the people is underage and under the protection of parents or guardians.
In the Pali Suttas we see people who were quite developed and would frequent courtesans, had multiple partners, and there are even examples of famous courtesans who appeared to have developed deeply in Dhamma. These people were not breaking the third precept. This was accepted behavior at the time; it was a different culture with different expectations.
Someone actively engaged in consensual sexual relationships for short periods of time, or outside a committed relationship, is not breaking the third precept. This is important. In Vipassana there is no limit on the number of 10-day courses someone can attend, as a student or as a server, because they have an active sex life but have not yet made a strong commitment to another person. Such a person does not break any precept and should not develop any sort of guilt. They can develop deeply in Dhamma.
Of course, while attending a 10-day retreat, everyone takes on a vow of celibacy for the duration of that retreat. During the retreat one’s sīla becomes truly perfect and stainless, and once the practice burns through the gross, agitated surface layer, deep insights can arise. What is true, however, is that the lives we live, even if not causing harm, may still not be the ideal for deep meditation. We experience this coming into a course, where the first couple of days can be extremely gross and agitated. Someone who is living a calmer, more peaceful life, and who has closed the doors to many of the sensual pleasures out there, will more quickly get to the depths of the patterns causing stress, pain and suffering, or dukkha.
Monks and nuns voluntarily take on over 200 trainings, well beyond the five precepts, to help live a life free from harm, agitation, and baseless idleness. Old students know the power of that disciplined life on retreat, but for most lay people it isn’t sustainable outside a course, and that’s fine. There is no expectation, for example, to keep noble silence in daily life. In fact, it would be extreme and likely cause harm. For people with strong sexual tendencies still active in the mind, forcing a celibate life may also be too extreme, and even unhealthy.
For many, being in a committed monogamous relationship with a healthy sex life is the ideal way. The doors to all the other infinite potential partners close. The partners know each other well, and the purely physical sexual attraction and intimacy develops into a deeper and calmer attraction, beyond the raw physical needs of the body. Commitment and developed relationships support a calmer, more content mind, which leads to deeper meditation and quicker, more stable progress on the spiritual path.
Goenkaji encouraged such a life. And even though he came from a strict, deeply conservative family and culture, he understood people and other cultures, and so never put a restriction on attending 10-day courses, nor on getting involved in service.
What is expected of long course students?
Long courses ask something more of students. Goenkaji had different expectations for those on the long course path. A long course student is fully committed to the practice as prescribed by the chain of teachers in this tradition. Without making any judgements on what others may be doing, the long course student, through their own experience, has understood that this path works for them. They have surrendered themselves and are committed exclusively to this way of practicing. This commitment arises out of the practice.
Long course students have sat a minimum of five 10-day courses, served at least one, have been practicing exclusively in this tradition for a minimum of two hours per day for at least two years continuously, and have kept the five precepts for at least a year. These precepts, as we will see, are modified for the long course student. They do not go to the level of a monk or nun, but indeed there are more expectations for the long course student. Long courses are an opportunity for real, serious practice over an extended period. They are not for students who are still searching, but for those who understand they want to take this to depth and find total release and freedom of mind.
Long courses do not expect people to become renunciates, monks or nuns. A deeper commitment is expected, including a more refined discipline regarding sīla. The five precepts do not change, but long course students voluntarily take on additional practices that support even deeper meditation. In this context, the sexual misconduct precept carries an additional expectation for long course students: being in a deeply committed relationship, or living a celibate life, for at least a year.
The expectation is that such a relationship is stable and harmonious, with both partners content and no longer looking elsewhere. This brings a great deal of protection, stability, calmness and contentment to the mind.
For a person not in a relationship, the expectation is that they are not engaging in sexually intimate relationships with others. It does not mean the person has committed to being celibate forever. It is a recognition that sexual passion is intense and causes discontentment in the mind. The serious student understands how things multiply: keep responding to situations with sexual passion, and the next moment will bring more. This is conditioning. Allowing this deep-rooted agitation to quiet down, by exerting some discipline and limitation on sexual behavior, helps. The single old student who wants to sit long courses takes on this discipline, understanding it will support their meditation.
This is not for everyone, and it does not presuppose a lifetime of celibacy. It simply brings in the conditions for deep practice and gives space for a relationship to develop without the added baggage of sexual expectations.
There are those, however, for whom a celibate lifestyle will not be healthy—sexual passion is just too strong. This is common, and fine. Understanding the path, one in this situation can continue to sit 10-day courses, get involved in Dhamma service, and develop the intention to find a partnership that is also committed to the path.
People walking the path of Vipassana develop an integrity and acceptance of who they are and where they are, along with an understanding that this is changing. In Vipassana the entire practice is about accepting reality as it is right now.
The long course, then, with this extra commitment and lifestyle change, becomes an even greater opportunity for progress on this path. And because everyone else attending the course has, at a minimum, this same stability, the whole atmosphere of the course becomes extremely supportive.
Understand the five precepts. Understand the deeper commitment expected of a long course student. Understand where you are and accept it. If you want a relationship, and want it to develop into a committed one, be patient. Courting methods and expectations differ across societies and cultures. If you live in one where sex is part of the courting ritual early on, as a step toward a deeper commitment, that is okay. Just be patient, communicate, and keep up daily practice while continuing to attend 10-day courses. In time, if your aim is to attend long courses, it will happen. Until then, the 10-day courses offer an opportunity for deep practice.